perhaps, perhaps not
by BrittFaceNess
Summary: Yes, perhaps I am jealous. Because deep down in the pits of my heart, I know that I adore you in every way possible.


**a/n**:_ This is what happens to me when Tumblr is down for a bit - I write a angst-ish fic with no plot whatsoever._

_Er...enjoy?_

...

I'm a content person. I'm not the type to mumble and groan about every little thing that is out of place in this world, or the type to get impatient. If something is wrong, I take the most logical way to fix it.

So when you came along, in all of your glory – with your early morning hours of violin playing, those bloody awful experiments placed in the oddest places (the shower was probably the most shocking) – I didn't know what to do. You brought out the part of me that I had forgotten existed, or perhaps never existed in the first place. No other person would test my temper the way you did, that's for sure. Maybe that's why I didn't know how to respond to it at first.

Slowly, but surely, you molded me into a person who adored you, took care of you, and secretly depended on you (was it so secret, though?). You probably didn't do this on purpose, of course. Why would someone as brilliant-minded and amazing as you need to have someone like me along at your side always? No, you didn't. You said once that you'd be lost without me, but at times I highly doubted this statement. Were you just saying that to cheer me up at the time? Perhaps. I still smile at the memory though.

I watch your face carefully now as you sit in your usual chair, fingertips touching your lips in your normal thinking-pose. You go so still and statue-like sometimes that I often jump when you move just a fraction of an inch. You get lost in that vast mind sometimes, you know. What are you thinking of now?

Dread seeps through my veins when I realize that your mind is probably filled with thoughts of The Woman. I've never been a jealous man – not really. Remember, I'm content (or was?). And why would I be jealous in the first place? You're not mine. I don't own you. You're your own person and no one would ever be able to take that away from you, not even me. Could Miss Adler though? I'd rather not think of that possibility.

_You jealous?_

Yes, perhaps I am jealous. Because deep down in the pits of my heart, I know that I adore you in every way possible. Why I let myself think these things, I do not know. It will only cause me pain, because the feelings will never be reciprocated. So I am content to put those feelings away if it means I'll be by your side for as long as I can be.

I ask you if you want a cuppa but your eyes are unfocused while you explore your Mind Palace. So deep in thought, you do not hear my voice. Once again I wonder what you're thinking about.

I'm used to being ignored, especially by you. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt every now and again, but at this moment I know your thoughts are consumed by her and only her so it makes the emotional pain harder to bear. Now I wonder whether you were right about emotions being a weakness. Maybe they are. No, I know they are.

Your name is on my lips again as I repeat the question. Those gorgeous, mesmerizing eyes of yours flash over my face and I panic for a moment's notice. I don't want you to know my thoughts, not at this moment. Or do I? Would it make it easier on me if you just deduced every single thought and emotion that was directed towards you all this time? Maybe so. But you don't. Your gaze slides away slowly and with a quick murmur and shake of your head, you slip back into your deep thoughts.

I end up making you a cuppa anyways, and I try not to admit to myself that it was more out of habit than anything else. I know you'll end up drinking it sooner or later, and I'll find the empty cup there in the morning.

When I bid you goodnight, I try not to feel dejected and cast off when you don't respond.

You see, Sherlock, you've ruined me. I used to be independent, sure of myself, and strong. Do you realize that you've got me twirled around your finger? Do you realize that I would die for you? Do you realize that my feelings for you are so strong that I have to push them down every day just to get by?

You've ruined me. Do you care, Sherlock?

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

But no matter. I will always be like this now that you've entered my life, I know I will. And for some reason I am alright with it.

* * *

_Review if convenient, if inconvenient review anyways~ ;)_


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